You’re a night owl, playing games all night and then sleeping from morning ‘til night. Me? I’m an early bird trying to be with you. Always waking up early in the morning yet always choosing to stay up late just to have a chat with you. You might not notice it since you’re stuck inside your own world that I’m trying to invade. Am I really invading? Maybe I am, or maybe not? I feel like I just want to reconnect with you from all of those lost times.
You see, I always ask my friends who went to the same school as you if they ever see you or know you. I also tried my best to look for you on social media platforms. But there are so many people with your name that I don’t know if it’s really you. My mind is slowly forgetting your face like you’re slowly fading away from the oblivion of my memories.
But I never gave up, I always thought that maybe you need me, and that's why you always showed up in my dreams. You keep showing that it made me feel sad but at the same time happy, every time you appear inside it. You’re like a ghost from the past that I don’t know if it brings good or bad luck.
I kept on looking for you until I did. I began to feel the joy of finally finding you and the fear of you not wanting to be found. I began to have a dilemma about whether I’ll talk to you or not. It’s late at night and I braced myself to hit the send button and asked you if you’re the guy in my dreams. I don’t know why but I began to panic because it’s late at night and you might be asleep. I never even thought that you’ll reply to me immediately since you might have forgotten me already.
After that, you replied. Since then, we began to catch up and reminisce about the past. I now know some of your painful experiences, some of your dreams, and your regrets. I, too, shared mine. We keep on reminiscing that we stayed past 2 am just to catch up with each other. Even on the next day, we stayed late just to talk to each other.
I’m so happy that I promised myself to make it up to you. That’s why I’m always happy every time you invited me to play or when we’re just talking about something. Heck, I’m just happy to waste my time with you.
Until it stopped, everything just stopped. I don’t know why or how or when, but you just stopped like how a clock stopped working when it's tired. But no, I don’t know why you stopped talking to me. You didn’t give me any reason or a farewell, you just stopped. Since then, my world slowly began to crumble.
After a long time, I slowly stopped feeling anything. Like the world is not full of colors anymore. No matter how many times I smiled and laughed, that scene where you just left always dawned on me. It’s like a savage reminder to me that never bother anyone unless they bothered me first. I started asking myself about my self-worth and started having panic attacks every minute of the day, but I couldn’t tell someone in the house. I stopped studying diligently, classes just flew away while my mind was somewhere else. I almost repeated a year due to that.
Until then, I just keep on doing those things. Waking up in the morning, eat food, read lessons even though I couldn’t understand anything, watch anything that impresses me, and take a shower sometimes. I don’t even remember when I started studying again. It still feels unbelievable that a year passed after those major breakdowns. And yet the wound is still there, it didn’t even become a scar. It’s still a wound that reminds me of the pain you’ve caused me.
Sometimes when I stay up late, I can see you’re also online. I can see that you ignored my messages even though you received them. Whenever those times happen, I always thought about what would happen if I didn’t approach you that night and stayed past 2 AM. What might happen if I never did find you? Would these late-night thoughts stop revolving around you? Can I still stay awake until or past 2 AM without thinking about you?
All of these questions and yet I still miss you. Despite those pain and suffering, I would still love to hang out with you. Given the chance, given permission by fate, I would love to waste my time with you.
Written by: Kibou
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