Adrenaline was rushing throughout my body as I anticipated the ball coming in my direction. "I got this," I thought to myself. I was prepared to hit it with a single kick using my right foot, a kick that would send our opponents home. The ball was moving fast and nothing in my surroundings seemed to matter other than its alternating black and white hexagonal pattern, now meters from my position. Time is running out, but as I prepared myself for the winning move, everything went black.
“Nasa gas station tayo, iihi ka ba?” my brother sitting beside me whispered. He was still shaking my arms, waking me up from a random dream about a ball and me playing in a field.
“Hindi, kayo na lang.” I replied while setting my gaze on the window beside me.
It was still dark outside. The lights I can only see are the ones illuminating the gasoline station from its roof and the ones coming from within the convenience store alongside it. We are parked beside the second gasoline pump. While waiting, I sat upright and stretched both of my arms. The silence of the hour brings stillness outside. Aside from the cars passing through, I could only hear two things: the sound of the car engine and the thoughts spiraling in my mind. I plugged my earphones into my phone to avoid reeling from my own thoughts. As the first song plays, I breathe deeply, and somehow the lyrics cut right through.
I realized that I had never related to Ben&Ben’s "Leaves" until this moment. Prior to this, it was simply a song that everyone seemed to be hyped about. Whenever it plays on one of my Spotify playlists, I always think that the lyrics are sad. It turns out, I had not really pondered how profound and relatable those words were. When we got back to the road, it was almost 3 o’clock in the morning. I played the song on repeat while I let my mind wander through its mazes.
The first two lines of the chorus, "Leaves will soon grow from the bareness of trees / And all will be alright in time," provided me with comfort and assurance that I was unaware I needed. As recent events have unfolded, it feels like I am under a constant state of pressure to keep things together. To act as if nothing would affect me and instantly brush off any traces of pity from their faces with a joke while I find humor in my own misery.
Oftentimes, I try to convince myself that I just do not have the luxury of time to feel sad or depressed about things because nothing would happen anyway; it would just remind me of how much of a failure I am. However, I also fail to realize that pretending to be okay can get lonely sometimes, even wearisome, especially when you carry the burden alone.
The leaves represent the sense of wholeness and internal tranquility we tend to lose in the midst of unending demands, expectations, and responsibilities that must be attended to. I’d like to think that we are the trees themselves; that whenever we get hurt, burned, broken, or feel like we have failed, the emptiness creeps in a way that our confidence and sense of self plummet. Like leaves that fall one by one, slowly, we feel like we are lacking—like we are not enough. It is enigmatic to think how the song suddenly gave me a pat on the back, saying, "It will be fine." This a gentle reminder that soon, things will work out for the better despite their seeming to fall apart now. I guess it is not necessary to be in a sinking relationship just to feel the authenticity of the emotions that flow through every word. It makes more sense now why it became a hit; everyone can relate to it in their own way, however, they see it fitting with their situation, as one does in any song.
The song played several more times before my mind drifted once again into another dream.
Written by: Virgo
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