I was awakened by the sound and vibration of my phone because I'd gotten news from our class group chat. The news concerns our inconsiderate professor who handed us schoolwork but does not even show up in our classes.
“I will give this instructor an uno in the evaluation,” I thought disgustedly as I opened my Spotify.
I reached for my almost-yellowish white earphones on the table next to my bed, plugged them onto my phone, and played Iron & Wine's “Flightless Bird” to keep me occupied as sleep is not probable at the moment. I opened my Twitter and browsed for anything that might be interesting to my curiosity, and unluckily, I saw a tweet from someone I knew from high school saying he has been winning academic contests and acing examinations.
“He’s practically winning in life,” I muttered softly. I looked down on myself because of how I felt reading his tweet. I immediately refreshed my feed and scrolled for other posts so that I may forget whatever I read, but like a welded iron, the thought stuck in my mind. I exited the app and went again to Spotify to scroll for some acoustic live music.
I peeked at the time. “Damn, it’s past 2 already?” I thought as I played “Free Fallin’” by John Mayer. I let go of my phone but the music was still playing. As I gazed at the white-painted ceiling above, I felt like my own body and mind were under a trance that cannot be escaped unless I’m in my dream realm.
“What has happened to me?” I questioned my competence since I was aware that my efforts had somehow diminished. It frightens me to death that I might not become the person I aspire to be. Like a lonely buoy out in the open sea, my academic shortcomings drifted into my mind. 21 years of uneasy existence and yet I learned nothing about dealing with this unhealthy thinking.
“I am being drunk on blame and regret and nothing can stop me from celebrating my almost-sunrise agony,” I suddenly thought aggressively.
The most irritating aspect of contemplating unintentionally is the sprouting of increasingly challenging thoughts that consumes my sanity. My academic drawbacks pester my bedtime a few minutes back; now, my mind has traveled to my “what could’ve been” disappointment avenue. If only I pushed myself more than what I actually exerted, maybe, even surely, circumstances were a bit better.
“Why the hell does this have to be so painful thinking about something that is beyond my control?” I asked myself loudly as I shoved my head onto my favorite unwashed pillow. What I fear most is that I’d die with nothing on my hands and remain on the same ground as where I am now, that I’d be the same gal dreaming and not be the person I dreamt. As the night slowly shifts into daylight, repetitive thoughts came in and my emotions devoured me.
It’s already 4 AM and I’m still clinging to my failures and sorrow. If only there is liquor on our kitchen cupboard so that I can push the brakes of this fast-paced thinking brain to stop myself from dwelling on things that cannot be undone. The almost never-ending thinking made me undoubtedly vulnerable, and wiser. A lot has been absorbed and yes, regret and pain were also present but having these realizations during the most tranquil part of the night reminds me that I am a human being – capable of being hurt but still rising among life’s most dreadful challenges.
Written by: albi
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