[2:00 a.m.] I paused the series I was watching when the alarm rang. I checked my phone and noticed that I received an email, I smiled a little. I stared at the email for a minute but didn’t open it - I then cleared the notifications. I left the Netflix app and opened the Microsoft Words to work on my pending tasks. I played some music to get lost track of the time. As I said earlier, I played music to help me lose track of time, but every now and then, I checked my phone to see if I had left it on silent or if I hadn't received any messages at all. It’s the latter. I went on Facebook once more. Everyone was sharing their accomplishments from the previous eight months in order to join the trend - "As we enter the final quarter of 2020, share your accomplishments from the previous eight months." I reacted to some of the posts while I only read some. “At least I know my achievement myself. No need to show it off.” I whispered to myself and went back on completing my pending tasks.At least I know my achievement myself. No need to show it off.” I whispered to myself and went back on completing my pending tasks. I lost focus on my task when the lamp suddenly went dimmer. I got up and searched for a spare battery in my drawer but failed to find any. I went back on my laptop and saved the files I worked for. I updated my to-do list and then shut down the laptop. As soon as I put the laptop back in its storage, I threw my body onto the bed. I flipped over to face the ceiling and I stared for a moment. I lived alone in this house for more than 2 years but this is one of the times when the silence irritates my eardrum. My thoughts are loud and there’s nothing to divert my attention to. I tried to visit my Facebook News Feed again but the trend still goes on and I can’t bear it. The trend reaches Tiktok, Instagram, and Twitter. I then decided to get off my phone. I switched from lying down into indian sitting on my bed. I rested my chin in my palm and scanned my room. I spotted my bookshelf. I get out of the bed one leg by another. As I began walking to my shelf, I stepped on a paper from the floor. It caught my attention so I picked it up. The paper is a page from the poem collection I’m planning to publish. I took the pen from my pencil case, sat in the chair, then started writing a poem.
[03:09 a.m.] I finished writing a poem entitled “Second”. I proofread it and was blown away by my concept. "I'm glad I thought of that style," I said as I finished proofreading it. I searched for a puncher so I can insert the piece I just made in my collection. As I was about to insert the piece in my collection, my attention caught my previous works and started re-reading those. As soon as I finished going through my work, I cringed. I slammed the book close. The air from the force made the latest piece fall down to the floor. I picked up the paper and reread it. I got furious so I crumpled the paper and threw it to the other side of the room. “WHY DO YOU ALWAYS MAKE YOURSELF LOOK PITIFUL?” I shouted in the mirror. “No wonder you have no friends,” I added. I forced myself not to cry so I clenched my fist hard. With the strong emotion I currently have, I suddenly have the determination to write another poem. I looked for my phone to edit the poem using an app then post it online. However, as soon as I opened the phone, I noticed that I received a notification from Instagram. “(@abcdepoemxx_): You have 1 new notification.” A friend of mine liked a poem I posted weeks ago. I smiled for a moment then something hit me. My friend recognized my talent for writing. They even recommend me to be part of the committee where we write captions for publication materials. There’s this friend who always taps me when there is a competition about literary writing. I appreciate them a lot but who am I outside the writing field? “Who am I?”, a question I can barely answer. I finally understood why I felt bitter towards those who joined the trend. I lied to myself earlier, I don’t know what I accomplished in the last eight months. There was also a possibility that I didn’t accomplish anything. Yes, I am finally able to express my feelings publicly but I’m well aware that none of them really reads those pieces especially if the post is a compilation. Some will only react because they find it courageous to express feelings publicly but I don’t want their social media reactions. I want them to read my piece and understand the position I am in. This is one of the times where I feel the strong desire to write but I keep thinking that doing so will only make me look pitiful and I never intend to do that, so I’m not writing. Foolishly, I opened the Facebook app again and regret doing so. I saw Kiel’s post. Kiel was an old friend of mine who I cut off ties with. I’m only able to see the post because his girlfriend was tagged in the post. I always excelled at him in school during elementary but look at us now. He’s earning six digits every year while I barely get my hands on a one thousand peso bill. I can do both like him but I chose to impress someone whom I never heard utter the words “congratulations” and “I’m proud of you” personally. It was only present in their posts. This makes me think that my “achievements” were only used to get attention. I read Kiel’s post and I was left with envy. He even already has a partner. Looking for a partner was the thing I gave up on a while back. I believe that there’s nothing to love in me. I don’t have the looks and I’m not smart. Also, I don’t have the money. I barely even love myself. I tried to create a tweet but I realized that I complain about the same thing over and over again. I made myself believe that I was the problem. I always feel invisible. Even after a heavy tweet, no one would come check on me. I know that they are also busy in their own lives. That's why I don’t blame my friends but sometimes I am wishing for a simple unexpected “hi” and “how are you?”. I’m aware that there are friends who I can talk to when things are heavy but as I said earlier, they are busy in their own lives and I don’t want to waste their time to listen in my “drama” I’m in the corner of my room sobbing for thirty minutes. The sound of alarm from the wall clock played meaning it was already 5:00 a.m. in the morning. I stood up from where I was and headed towards my bed when suddenly my phone rang. Someone’s calling me. I checked who it was and it was Kiel's girlfriend. “Hi bessssyyy!!!” she said excitedly “Bakit naman ang dilim sa kwarto mo?” she added. “Bakit ka tumawag?” I asked. “Look what I bought for you,” she showed me a wrist watch “What’s that for?” I asked. “Haynako bessy, di mo ako mauuto. I know you tend to hide your birthday, that's why lagi kong inaalala. Happy Birthday, bessy!” she said with a big smile I went from frowning to smiling. She said that her break time was only 15 minutes and that she only called me to greet me and to let me know that she’ll be heading to my house after her shift. I suddenly feel warm. I’m not totally invisible. I only feel it that way ‘coz I tend to focus on persons who don’t give me theirs, leaving people who truly cared for me for granted. I forgot that it was because of these people why I’m still breathing and they were the ones who helped me to be in the place where I am right now. Staying alive is my greatest achievement in the last eight months. I picked up the crumpled piece of paper on the floor-Second-then put it inside my collection. I checked my phone for the last time. I smiled at what I read. Kiel Sanchez Happy Birthday, Ken!! sent 05:27 a.m.
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